


When I Say Forever

by ellenvictoria



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2647553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellenvictoria/pseuds/ellenvictoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam and Zayn fall endlessly in love when they meet during the X-Factor, but no one will ever know and they believe in a forever that they will never have</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“God you are beautiful,” Liam sighed against Zayn’s lips.  
“I know,” Zayn answered cheeky, with his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and kissed him slowly.  
Liam’s laugh vibrated against the glued lips and he placed his forehead against Zayn’s. “I love you,” he murmured as he looked right into those beautiful dark brown eyes.  
“I love you too,” Zayn whispered into a kiss as if it was a secret for no one except for them to hear. The room was supposedly empty, but you could never be sure of who could be lurking around the corner. “And you’re just as beautiful as me,” he said with even more confident and peaked Liam’s lips again, “If not even more. You’re the most beautiful boy alive.” Liam’s heart swelled of affection, he would never have thought he could be this happy.  
Oh to be young and in love. Liam and Zayn were only seventeen when they met and realised they were meant for each other. They were only two young boys with big dreams when they both made it to their auditions for the X-factor. Never had they dreamed about this, finding love. Definitely not like this.  
It had not been big crises of sexuality as you may think. It had been simple because they could feel it, they knew that what they had was special and as Zayn blushingly had put it; “I don’t care if you have a dick. Or whatever. I just know I want to be with you.”  
They were now sprawled on the couch hidden in the corner, in the X-factor house. It was late at night and they knew they should be asleep; early morning with rehearsals tomorrow, that is. But they couldn’t care enough, not when they were where they were.  
“I wish I could stay here forever,” Liam whispered into the silent night, and held his arms a little tighter around Zayn’s waist.  
“Let’s,” Zayn murmured against where laid against Liam’s naked chest. “I don’t ever want to move from here.” He couldn’t think of a better location to be, not in the whole world. This was perfect, this was where he wanted to be forever.  
“We should go to bed,” Liam tried. He could feel Zayn falling asleep on him and he knew he wouldn’t be awake for much longer himself.  
“Mm,” Zayn quietly agreed.  
None of them moved. Zayn stayed on top of Liam and Liam didn’t make a single move for them to get up. They fell asleep just seconds later, being exactly where they wanted to be.  
Forever.  
-  
“When we win the X-factor.” That’s what they had agreed on, that’s when they were going to come out to their bandmates, friends and families.  
It had started as a joke just when they had been put together in the band. Liam and Zayn had just found each other and they couldn’t believe they were lucky enough to be in the same band. It couldn’t be anything but faith. When it turned out that the rest of their band were also great lads, and their new best friends, it only felt stupid to keep their relationship a secret for them.  
But it is really not as easy as it might seem, to come forward to a couple of teenage boys, who you just had met (and also shared bed room with) and say “Hey! By the way! We’re gay! And sometimes we also snog in your bed!”  
Louis, Niall and Harry were absolutely great guys and all the five guys grew impossibly close to each other during the few days it took for them to get to know each other. And for every time Zayn had to restrain himself from kissing Liam, or holding his hand, when the other boys were around, he felt more and more stupid. These boys were their best friends, there was no point in not letting them know. They just had to find the perfect time.  
When they had said that they were going to do it when they won the X-factor, they could never actually even dream about getting this far. But they did have a shot at winning this. They were going places big. They were going to be something. And Liam was starting to freak out.  
“What if we actually win, Zayn?” Liam desperately yelled one night when they were left alone in their room when the rest had went out to get pizza. “There is actually a big chance that we are going to win the X-Factor!”  
“I know!” Zayn grinned as he got off his bed and approached Liam, he didn’t copy any of his boyfriend’s panic at all. “There is actually a chance that we are going to win the fucking X-factor!” Zayn squealed happily. “We are living our dream,” he took Liam’s hand in his and moved back to the bed. "Screw that! We are living everyone’s dream, Liam.” He sat down on the bed and looked up to the soft boy standing in front of him, he still looked slightly concerned so Zayn lightly kissed the knuckles on the hand in his and added, “Plus, you know we don’t have to hide for our best friends anymore,” with a wink.  
“I guess that doesn’t sound too bad,” Liam laughed softly and sat himself in Zayn’s lap and wrapped his arms around his neck. “Touring around the world with the world’s biggest boy band, One Direction, with my best friends and the love of my life,” Liam shrugged dramatically, “I guess it could be worse,” he smiled and leaned down to plant a kiss on Zayn’s nose.  
“Yeah it could definitely be worse,” he sighed with a smile and tilted his head so their lips could meet.  
“Really though.” Liam started when he pulled away from the kiss, “I don’t care if we win. Of course it would be really amazing, but all I really care about are you and us being together, and I don’t think we need to be world famous to get our happy ending,” Liam smiled down and Zayn looked up to him with eyes full of affection.  
“What did I do to get this lucky; meeting someone like you?” he murmured and placed his soft lips on Liam’s neck.  
“Could say the same about you, cutie pie.”  
“Cutie pie?” Zayn laughed as he looked up to Liam. “Don’t ever call me cutie pie.”  
“You are though,” Liam kissed Zayn, “You’re my cutie pie.”  
“I love you,” Zayn mumbled as he softly bit down Liam’s bottom lip. “Everything will be okay, as long as we have each other.”  
“Yeah, everything will be great,” Liam weakly got out, his lips attached to Zayn’s. “And I think it would be okay to tell the boys, even if we don’t win.”  
They laughed together at that, because they knew everything would be working out, one way or another, everything would end up perfect. And of course they would tell the boys, even if they didn’t win; they were their family now, it only seemed stupid to keep it away from them.  
When it was clear that One Direction was ready for final Zayn and Liam agreed on that they would do it that night, even if they won or not. It seemed fair to wait until they were done because even if they weren’t scared, there were still a tiny little chance that the boys wouldn’t be okay with their relationship. It just seemed better to tell them when they wouldn’t be forced to share a bedroom anymore. They would do it, nothing could stop them now.  
Only thing that seemed to be able of stopping them, was when Harry and Louis made it first.  
-  
It was really early one cold Saturday morning in December. Tonight was the night; the night they were going to win the X-factor. Zayn entered the room in the dead silent room, in nothing but his underwear. He never questioned that he and Liam would be the only ones up; it was actually too early for anyone to normally be awake.  
The only reason Zayn had left his warm bed was because he had seen Liam’s being empty, and Zayn wanted to be with Liam.  
“Morning beautiful,” Zayn jumped to where Liam was tensed seated on the couch and peaked his lips. He gave out a tiny yawn but still smiled as he snuggled into Liam’s side. “Wow, you are really nervous about tonight, aren’t you?” Zayn murmured when he started to massage Liam’s shoulder.  
Liam answered with nothing but a tiny nod but leaned into the touch of Zayn’s firm hands.  
“Don’t worry, love, everything will be great,” Zayn buried his face in Liam’s neck and left a feather kiss on the soft skin. Liam nodded again but still didn’t say a word.  
Zayn looked up but he didn’t need to worry about Liam, when he saw he was smiling down at him. And how couldn’t he smile? With this beautiful boy, half naked, with ruff morning hair and sleep in his eyes, next to him? So when Zayn tilted his head up for a proper morning kiss Liam was happy to fall in to it.  
Without doubt he deepened the kiss, parted his lips and his hands went for Liam’s hair. He moaned to the sensation of Liam’s tongue against his, and pulled his hair slightly, to come even closer. Liam startled back a bit, to hide his smile in the curve of Zayn’s neck.  
“Not now,” he murmured, but it was with fond.  
“What?” Zayn pouted. It was still really early, and they had a long they ahead of them, no one would possibly be awake now.  
“Harry’s looking for you,” Liam explained with an apologizing smile, “He could be back at any second, told me to wait here.” He contented himself with squeezing Zayn’s hand as he let his head fall to his naked chest. He was tired, and now with Zayn next to him he was relaxed enough to feel sleep catching up with him.  
“Why isn’t he asleep?” Zayn sighed, clearly a bit annoyed at the youngest member of their band and his lack of ability to be asleep when Zayn wanted him to.  
Liam shrugged. “Louis, Harry and I have been up for at least an hour,” he yawned.  
“Oh”, Zayn answered. He slowly rubbed Liam’s scalp, and he hummed in approval. He loved Zayn’s hands in his hair, and he loved having him this close to him. This was his safe place and he never felt better anywhere else. He crawled even a little closer into Zayn’s chest.  
“You are really nervous about tonight?” Zayn said again, full with fond. It wasn’t even a question, more like a statement, like he ever could be anything but nervous, right now, today?  
“No shit Sherlock,” he laughed. “How can you not?”  
“I don’t need to be nervous, when I have you by my side,” Zayn whispered and Liam squeezed his hand even harder. “And you know,” Zayn continued, “After tonight, I can kiss you whenever I want, without having to worry about being exposed to our friends.”  
And right now Liam couldn’t care at all about of someone could walk into the room at any second. “I like the sound of that, very much,” he murmured when he leaned up and his lips met Zayn’s.  
If Niall had been a morning person, or if he had started his loudly complains, just a second later, this might have been the moment their secret were to be exposed.  
But it wasn’t. Because Niall was tired and grumpy over being waked up, when he could have been asleep. He really wasn’t quiet when showing his disapproval of being awaked. Just about half a second after Liam and Zayn had pulled away from their kiss, the yawing Niall entered the room, still wrapped in his big duvet.  
Louis was holding his arm around Niall’s shoulder with a big smile, completely ignoring the raw words coming from the Irish mouth. “Where’s Harry?” he asked, way to sprightly for this early hour; no one really noticed the nervous crack in his voice though.  
“He went looking for Zayn,” Liam yawned into Zayn’s chest, with close eyes. Before Louis could answer, Harry entered the room, already fully dressed, which was unusual to see, especially this early. Niall curled up with Zayn and Liam on the couch, with his head in Zayn’s lap. He was already about to fall back to sleep, as well as Zayn and Liam.  
“So…” Harry started, just as Niall started to snore. All three boys on the couch looked up, confused, to where Louis and Harry were still standing. “So ehm… We have something to tell you guys…” Harry spoke slowly with a slightly shaken voice and gained his attention from the sleepy boys who watched him patiently and tried not to close their eyes, while Louis stood next to him and smiled encouragingly.  
“So yeah ehm… Louis and I… ehm… You guys are our best friend and… ehm you’ve come to mean so much to us… so…” Harry kept on stuttering, “Tonight’s a big night! We wanted to tell you that… You know… We really love you guys…”  
“Oh just fucking spit it out you turd!” Louis interrupted with an excited squeal that made the other boys jump out from their sleepy trance. “Stop worrying,” he said softly and took Harry’s hand in his while he look right into his eyes with a loving smile.  
Harry smiled back at him and forgot everything about the others in the room. “Well you say it then, you… silly boy,” Harry laughed, and blushed at his lame attempt to insult Louis.  
“Okay,” Louis breathed. He looked down at his feet at the intake of a breath and let go of Harry’s hand to swipe of his sweaty hand on his pyjamas bottoms. “Okay, here it goes,” he mumbled to his feet and swallowed before he looked up to the three pair of eyes, watching him from the couch.  
“HarryandIaretogether. Harryismyboyfriend.” He said it so fast, he wasn’t sure if anyone could have make any sense at all out of it.  
But they had heard him.  
“That’s great, you guys!” Niall burst before the silence could go on for a second too long.  
“Yes, congratulations!”  
“I’m so happy for you two!”  
It took only maybe two seconds before they were all huddled up together in one big group hug. They were all really happy for Harry and Louis, after all they were their best friends. Zayn met Liam’s eyes over the heads of the other boys and for a second their disappointment mirrored in each other’s faltering smiles; this wasn’t in their plan.  
They didn’t win that night. And Zayn and Liam didn’t reveal their big secret.  
They weren’t stupid, they also knew what people would think; 17, too young to know about forever. This was Harry and Louis’ night, they wouldn’t take it from them. They didn’t need to do it tonight, they knew they had forever.  
-  
Every relationship have to work through a rough path at some point. Even the perfect ones as Zayn and Liam’s. But even the harder part seemed to be something that never became a big deal. It was for example that time during the X-factor when Zayn wanted to be jealous, but couldn’t bring himself to, when Liam was so adorably oblivious.  
He was just outside one of the dressing rooms, where he was supposed to meet Liam, and he heard someone talking, a voice that definitely didn’t belong to Liam.  
“So I was wondering…” a flirty woman’s voice said, “Are you doing something later, I mean like, after the show tonight?” And that’s when Zayn felt that he needed to step in.  
He cleared his throat to make himself visible and the girl blushed vividly. Liam, on the other hand, did not look startled, as he should have if he had been caught flirting with someone else. Because well, he hadn’t. Liam just looked up at Zayn with as if he just had been told Christmas would be coming early.  
The girl – Danielle was her name – was fast to leave the room when she realised she no longer couldn’t get Liam’s attention. She left with a “see you later, Liam,” and a smile. Liam did barely notice.  
“Hi babe,” he said when the door was closed and he met Zayn halfway through the room and wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him close.  
“She is totally gone for you,” Zayn smirked a minute later, after a couple of warm kisses.  
“What? Who?” Liam said without really caring for an answer as he leaned for another kiss.  
“Danielle?” Liam frowned and it was really adorable, as if he had forgot all about the girl who left the room just two minutes ago, “The dancer?” Liam frowned even deeper and continued to look clueless, “Danielle, the dancer? Who just left the room after complimenting on how good you look in this jacket?”  
“Oh.” Liam remained confused. “She’s not in to me?”  
“Yeah sure, she just spend a good amount of her time here, flirting with you. But I’m sure she’s not in to you,” Zayn laughed and couldn’t help kissing but kiss Liam’s cheek. He was so utterly confused and Zayn wasn’t sure if he had seen anything cuter.  
“She wasn’t flirting..?”  
“She said the jacket made your eyes sparkle,” Zayn pointed out.  
“She was just…” Liam looked like he was thinking really hard, to put one and two together. “Girls don’t flirt with me!” He burst out. “She can’t be… Girls don’t like me.” He frowned and looked like he wanted to laugh, like that was the weirdest thing he had ever heard.  
“Is that why you are settling with me? ‘Cause girls don’t like you?” Zayn teased. It was stupid really, because of course girls would like him; he was the most beautiful boy in the whole of United Kingdom.  
“No,” Liam kissed Zayn. “I am not settling with you,” the confusion in his expression was gone, for once he talked about something he knew. “I’m know I am lucky to have you, and I couldn’t be more grateful for anything. I don’t even want a girl to like me. Not when I have you. You’re the best thing I have.”  
“To bad for all the girls out there in the world, who can’t wait to hear you scream their name, that I’m not going anywhere, then,” Zayn smiled softly and tenderly dragged his hand over Liam’s cheek and up to his hair.  
“I love you,” Liam sighed into the touch.  
“Good, because I love you too.”


	2. Chapter 2

Liam gave the whole thing a lot of thinking. The whole possibility that there actually could be a girl that would be in to him. Apparently he had a hard time believing it could actually be true.   
“Why is that so hard to believe?” Zayn wondered one night when Liam sat on the couch and stared absently out to nowhere. “I’m actually surprised you haven’t got a whole herd of people running after you.”  
“It’s just…” Liam frowned and scratched his ear. “No one has ever liked me? I don’t understand why anyone would do that.”  
So Zayn spend three days focusing on nothing but letting Liam learn about everything that made him great. He sent at least one cute text message every hour. Or there was these notes he wrote and hid in Liam’s shoes, pockets and under his pillow.  
His favourite though was when approached Liam from behind, surprising him with whispering in his ear, causing him shiver over his spine and the end of his lips quirk in a secret smile.  
Liam still wouldn’t understand why anyone would like him, which hurt Zayn to death because he couldn’t understand why anyone would not like Liam. But he realised that yes, Zayn was there and he wanted to be and he obviously wasn’t going anywhere. So if Zayn could like him – love him even – maybe it wasn’t impossible for someone else to do so. He still didn’t understand why.  
Having that in mind, next time he saw that girl, it was a little bit harder not to see it. How her fingers softly was gracing over his bicep whilst she talked and how she looked up at him under thick eyelashes with flattery eyes.  
And seeing it kind of just made it worse for Liam.  
“What if she only wants me ‘cause she knows I’m taken?” he asked a sleepy Zayn, one afternoon when they were curled up in one’s bed.  
“She doesn’t know you’re taken,” Zayn mumbled into Liam chest.   
“Yeah… I guess so…” Liam sighed. “But… What should I do, Zayn?”  
“Erm, nothing?” he sleepily answered, he honestly didn’t understand why Liam couldn’t just leave it. He could at least let him sleep, right now.  
“But won’t she think I’m leading her on, then? Wouldn’t that be mean? I don’t won’t her to think she has a chance, when she really hasn’t.”  
“Tell her that then,” Zayn yawned.   
“Yes I’ll just tell her I’m not interested because I’m dating Zayn Malik?” Liam rolled his eyes.  
“Maybe not like that,” Zayn laughed and lifted himself to lean on his elbows as he look at Liam. “Just tell you’re not interested?”  
“Just without a reason? Isn’t that a bit rude?” Liam raised a brow.  
“It really isn’t,” Zayn shook his head, “It’s the truth,” simple as that.  
“But it’s not, Zayn.” Liam pouted. “There is a reason. The reason is you.”  
“Yeah, but you won’t tell her that?” Liam shook his head. “And since you won’t just let this go, and you probably don’t want to make up a lie; I don’t see really what other choice you have.” Zayn shrugged.  
“It’s not fair,” Liam’s pout grew bigger and Zayn couldn’t help but laugh at how he looked like an overgrown three year old who wouldn’t get ice cream before supper.  
“Tell her you’re gay,” Zayn suggested with another shrug.  
“What?” Liam’s pout was replaced with grin, holding back a laugh.  
“Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot of guys tell a girl that lie, when they’re not interested.”  
“But it wouldn’t be a lie.” They both burst out in laughter.  
“She doesn’t know that,” Zayn smiles down at Liam. “She’ll think you’re just lying to get rid of her, but you aren’t lying so you aren’t doing anything wrong.”  
“That is just assuming that everyone who ever says they are gay, are lying.” Zayn leaned p to kiss the wrinkled line between Liam’s bemused eyebrows. “That’s not a good plan Zayn…” Zayn kissed him once one the cheek. “And maybe she’ll believe me,” Zayn kissed down on his throat but Liam was deep in thought to give it any attention. “I mean… I think I’m pretty high up in the rank of the gay stereotype…” he was broken off of Zayn bursting out in laughter, where he was lying on his throat.  
“Babe…” Zayn tried to cohere words. “You do not fit in the gay stereotype. I am more stereotypical gay than you. In fact. Don’t even say ‘gay stereotype’.” Zayn laughed.  
“But I mean…” Liam remained more confused than ever. “I make a convincing gay, right?”  
“Kiss me and you make a convincing gay,” Zayn sighed. And Liam kisses him. “You’re ridiculous,” Zayn mumbled into Liam’s mouth.   
“You love me,” Liam whispers back and he can feel Zayn’s lips curl into a smile, matching his own.  
“Can’t remember why,” Zayn parted his lips and greased the tip of his tongue over Liam’s bottom lip. Liam’s hands reached to tug Zayn’s dark, soft hair and caused a moan slip out of his mouth. Zayn pulled at Liam’s shoulder for him to lay back down and placed himself on top of him.   
“Zayn…” Liam groaned as Zayn moved his lips lower, down over his pulsing point, with his hands steady on his hips. “But Danielle…” he sighed just as Zayn thought it was forgotten.  
“Just fucking ask her out on date,” Zayn snapped and sat up on the bed as he rubbed his eyes. “Actually that’s not a bad idea!” he looked up with a sudden rush.  
Liam just looked at him like he couldn’t decide if it was most appropriate to roll his eyes or pull his hair out of frustration.  
“Just think about it. You don’t have to break her heart. And if you have a girlfriend, no one will suspect anything between us!”  
Liam honestly didn’t like the sound of the idea. He probably would have talked Zayn out of it, if it wasn’t for the knock on the door just seconds later.   
“Why is it locked?” Niall asked with a raised brow when Zayn had got up to open the door.  
“’Don’t know,” he shrugged, “Probably locked it without realising…” There was no need for a better explanation to Niall.  
“What’re you doing?” He asked as he pulled a bag up from under his bed.   
“Um nothing…” Liam started.  
“Just talking,” Zayn shrugged again, he was so much better at the simplicity then Liam. And right now Liam couldn’t be more thankful.  
“What are you taking about that makes Liam flush like that?” Niall teased, and he didn’t even ask Liam, he looked at Zayn as they were the only ones in the room. Liam hadn’t even realised he was flustered.   
“You know…” Liam answered anyway but he swallowed his words, having no idea what to say.  
“Is it Danielle?” Niall turned to face Liam who gaped out of chock. Where did Niall get this from?  
“Yeah, Liam actually wants to ask her out on a date,” Zayn said and Liam glared at him.  
“Mate, that’s great!” Niall squeaked. “I knew it! Don’t think anyone have missed how you two are all over each other!”   
“I did. Apparently,” Liam thought. But he left it to say anything and hit his head in the pillow with a groan, as soon as Niall had left the room.  
-  
So somehow Danielle became Liam’s girlfriend. They made it work. Even if there never was a kiss without Liam wanting to scream. This is wrong, I shouldn’t be doing this with you. And there never went a day without Liam feeling that this isn’t fair to Zayn. He never held Danielle’s hand without wondering why he was letting Zayn go through this.  
Zayn was never worried. He knew Liam loved him and he never even thought about doubting his trust. There would be days when his mind would sting of jealousy. When he heard people talk, even his closest friends, about how cute of a couple Liam and Danielle made. And how they really could see in Liam, that he really loved Danielle. And Zayn wanted to scream. Are you all blind?! Liam doesn’t love her! Liam loves me! Why can’t you see? But he always kept his moth close because in the end of the day Liam was in his bed and he could see the love in his eyes. A look on his face that was never shown when Liam was with her. So in the end of the day, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought, because both Liam and Zayn knew where Liam was at home, and that was all that counted.  
It didn’t last for that long, anyways. Danielle was not a stupid girl, as everyone else in their surroundings seemed to be. She knew there wasn’t any love, when Liam looked at her. It was simple, the kind of break up – “There’s just no chemistry between us. I see you more like a friend.” There was never any hard feelings and Liam couldn’t be more relived over the end of this. No more lying and pretending while worrying about hurting someone else.  
Of course there was still lying, and pretending, but not for anyone else’s concerned. By keeping their relationship a secret, they didn’t hurt anyone, they were more scared it would be the other way around. So the good thing with Liam and Danielle’s so called relationship came with the fact that less eyes focused on what was going on between Liam and Zayn, when they somehow had found the romance between the young boy band member and his dancer, believable.  
\-   
When it all started, Liam and Zayn had never even thought about the possibility that they would forever be kept a secret.   
But they saw how everything became, for Harry and Louis, and somehow it seemed easier to hide than go through what they did. When Harry and Louis came out that night, they had looked at a future just as bright and hopeful as the one Zayn and Liam saw. Never had either of them thought things were going to get this hard.  
Harry and Louis wondered many times, if thing would have been easier if they had waited to come out. And that was what kept Zayn and Liam to stay away and be free just in the dark. When they were signed nothing was like any of them had ever expected.   
There was no rolling around in money, no lying on the beach on some exotic country, no partying in big clubs, like every rich teenager was supposed to do. They were prisoners without any courage to dream about the future. It was the sound of “To that” and that was what they were doing, without even thinking of a choice to do anything else. “Don’t do that,” and they had to wait for other instructions before they dared to move their thumbs. They were robots, fishing in money for their owners.  
Their management knew about Louis and Harry. They had never planned to keep it a secret, so they straight out told them. Never had any of them given it a thought; the possibility that that would be a problem.   
But there had been. There was a straight out “No way. That can’t happen!” And when Harry and Louis had refused to stay away from each other, they had been given a girlfriend and a rumour of a partying man-whore with no respect for women at all and a curse of an unhappy ending.  
Management per say didn’t give them the curse about the unhappy ending, but Louis and Harry stopped believing they would get one.   
At least, if no one knew about Liam and Zayn, it was impossible for someone to separate them. Or so they had thought.  
-  
Months went by and they were tired, exhausted. There were moment that made them keep it together. Nights, only them, locked up without anyone to hide from. It wasn’t that they didn’t like there job, seeing the world, and being on that stage. Singing for all you got, like nothing else mattered. They loved those parts, but that was just such small part of the whole big picture.  
Niall joked about one night how cool it would have been if they had been signed for a management that would acknowledge them as real human beings and not puppets to play with for success. No one laughed.  
The thing was, they weren’t even alone. They meet hundreds of people that, from the tabloids, looked like they were living everyone’s dreams while they in reality wishes they never had come here, wishing they were back in the small, too cramped, town they grew up in. Wishing they had never dreamed this big, or wishing they would live that perfect middle life, and maybe sometimes look out of the window and wondered how it would have been, if that had gone and chased their teenage dreams.  
It was more about promoting and growing bigger and bigger, than it was about the music they were passionate for. It wasn’t even about the fans, no one cared about the really passionate fans. They already had the fans, they just needed the rest of the world to talk about them.   
“…So Zayn, you will be doing that…” Zayn sighed deeply at the monotonic voice.   
All the five boys were seated together on the same coach at the white painted office somewhere at the headquarters. They were always offered one big armchair of their own, but they liked it better like this; close to each other, protectively.   
In front of them sat a women in her thirties, with a strict face and her hair in a bun even stricter. She didn’t care about the important things about them, so they had stopped remember their names, hers and her colleagues’.   
“Why does Zayn have to do that?” Liam interrupted before she could move on to the next dot on her list. She looked up surprised, wasn’t used to being snapped off.  
“Because, love,” She gave him a big, fake smile and pushed her thick glasses up her nose. Zayn’s hand slipped under Liam’s shirt and gripped his back, as to reassure him that everything was alright, that he could calm down.  
It wasn’t alright.  
Their management had signed a new band, girls their age. Apparently it would be good advertising for them if Zayn would date on of the girls.   
It wasn’t alright. It shouldn’t be their job to make another band successful. And they should be promoted for their talents, their music and voices, not their love life. And Liam’s Zayn wasn’t a toy they could play around with; he shouldn’t be.  
“Louis already has a girlfriend,” the women kept talking and Louis rolled his eyes. “Harry isn’t capable of a committed relationship,” Louis instead glared at her and put a protective hand on Harry’s thigh. “You, Liam, broke up with Danielle, not that long ago,” really, it had been a while. “And jumping in to a relationship with Perrie, while Danielle still is in grief, will make you look like a whore.” Liam wanted to puke. He wondered if she still would keep her fake smile, if he was sick all over her too sleek dress. “And we can’t put her with Niall since it’s not very believable that he could get with a girl…”  
“HEY!” Zayn, Louis, Liam and Harry all roared out in a choir.  
“And people will simply think that Zayn and Perrie are the perfect match,” she concluded as if she had never been interrupted.  
As usual, there was no point in persuading.   
-  
“It’s not fair,” Liam told Zayn, later that night in the dark, when they were pressed close together in their bed. “You are mine.”  
“I know, baby,” Zayn sighed. “It’s not fair. But I’m still yours, and I always will be.”  
“Yeah,” Liam twined their fingers together “It’s just…”  
“It’s not fair.” Zayn filled in with a tiny laugh before Liam could finish.   
“Yeah, not fair,” Liam whispered, because this wasn’t how their life was supposed to be. This was everything but fair.  
“One day,” Zayn whispered in Liam’s hair and pressed his arm tightly around his body. “We are going to be free, you and I. We’ll move to a faraway island where no one knows our names and no one can tell us what to do. We will be free Liam, just you and I.”  
“One day,” Liam sighed into Zayn’s chest.  
“Yeah, one day,” Zayn sighed with him as he ran his fingers through Liam’s soft hair. “But right now. Right now we have to play the game, to win our rights. What we are doing now doesn’t matter, it is not real. This, us, is all that’s real, that’s everything that counts.”  
“I know, I know,” Liam whispered soothingly. “It’s just… It’s just not fair,” he let out a soft laugh.  
“No. It’s not. But it will be, one day,” Zayn wrapped himself even tighter around Liam’s body for reassurance. “We’ll get our fair of what we deserve. We’ll get our happy ending.”  
They fell asleep at some time after that, wrapped tightly around each other like one. With intentions of never letting go, whispering words of “love you” and “forever”. Causing tears and hands, arms and legs, gripping tighter around each other.  
-  
The day of the first date Liam was a nervous wreck.  
Truthfully, he knew he had nothing to worry about. He just couldn’t stand to think that people would think Zayn would belong to someone, anyone, who wasn’t him.   
He was on about what wasn’t fair, but right now he wasn’t even fair, himself. There were still people out there believing that Liam was meant to be with Danielle. So it’s not fair of Liam to want the world to know that Zayn’s with him, especially not since he has never tried to even make his closest friends know about his relationship.  
It is times like these he wishes that at least the boys knew. Even if Louis and Harr got a lot of shit dragged on them, they always had comfort and support to find in the rest of them. Whenever Louis was out with Eleanor, Harry was curled up on a couch together with Zayn, Niall and Liam, watching some stupid romantic comedy with a clichéd happy ending. And when Harry had to get out to get papped with some new girl, the boys got drunk with Louis to an angry tournament of FIFA.  
But no one knew that right now, Liam needed that support, just as much as they ever did.  
“It’s not fair,” he said for the millionth time and both Niall and Louis rolled their eyes. “It’s not fair that Zayn have to get through this. Have to make people think he’s in a relationship, he’s not. He has done nothing to deserve this.”  
“Yeah, because Louis has?” Harry snapped and Liam blushed. Oh god he was so stupid.   
“Of course not,” he murmured. “Shit. It’s just… I don’t even know,” he shook his head. “I’ll think I’ll just get home,” he said and moved towards the door. “I’m sorry, Lou. You don’t deserve this either.”  
Louis gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about Zayn, he’s a big boy, he’ll be just fine.”  
Liam gave them a nod, not entirely convinced, before he left the studio that night. And wasn’t it just typical that the rained poured down, just this night.


	3. Chapter 3

Zayn came back around 9.   
Liam was dosing of on the couch in front of some documentary about polar bears.  
“Hi babes,” Zayn whispered and leaned down, sitting on his knees in front where Liam’s head was placed. He removed an empty ice cream bowl and placed it on the coffee table behind him, before he pecked Liam on his lips.  
“Hi,” Liam smiled and sat up to give Zayn some space on the couch. “How was the date?” he asked as he rubbed some sleep from his eyes.  
“It was not a date,” Zayn pointed out. “The only one who gets to go on dates with me, is you.”  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Liam laughed when Zayn poured himself over him with kisses.  
“You look pretty today,” Zayn said like a manner of fact and looked right into his eyes. He had both his knees on each side of Liam’s waist, where he was seated in his lap, and his hands looked with each other in the back of his neck.  
Liam just huffed, “I just woke up,” but melted into the kiss anyways.  
“I know, but you’re always pretty,” Zayn smirked and moved his upper body closer to Liam’s. He pushed his hands over Liam’s cheeks and back to his hair, while he kissed him deeply. Liam hummed into the kiss for a moment and pushed his hands over Zayn’s back, before he leaned back.  
“Zayn…” he panted, slightly out of breathe, and tried not to think of Zayn’s teeth on his neck. “How was the date?” Zayn groaned and placed his head in the curve of Liam’s neck.  
“Come on, Liam, not now,” Zayn beaded as he pushed his crotch down over Liam’s. “I want you,” he whispered seductively in his ear.   
Liam slowly moved his hands down to Zayn’s arse, but. “Are you sure about that, or are you just trying to distract me? Avoid something?”  
Zayn made a halt in his movements. He lifted himself from Liam’s lap and moved to sit down next to him, on the couch. “No Liam,” he mumbled, mumbled like he always do when he tries to avoid to show that he is hurt. “I am not avoiding anything.” He fiddled with his hands in his lap.   
Suddenly the decimetre distance between them, felt too big.  
“I just really missed you Liam,” he said with a sincere tone and Liam felt like the biggest jerk ever. “I felt so… It felt so wrong…” Liam reached out one of his hands and took Zayn’s in his. “Pretending to… Pretending to be someone… something… I don’t even know…” He held Liam’s hand tighter. “I just really wanted to get back home, and be with you.”  
Liam pulled Zayn into his chest and held him. “Baby, I know… I’m sorry,” he kissed into Zayn’s hair.  
“No I’m sorry,” Zayn whispered and grasped hold of Liam’s T-shirt. “It can’t be easy knowing I’m out with someone else, when you’re back home...”  
“No!” Liam didn’t let Zayn finish. “It’s much harder on you, I should be supportive and not be like this, ok? Don’t’ apologise,” Zayn looked up from where his head rested on Liam’s chest and smiled at him.  
“It’s hard on us both, let’s not apologise at all, huh? We’re not the bad guys.”  
“We’re not. We’re the good ones who’s going to save the world one day,” they both let out a relived laugh, together and Liam just a thumb to wipe a tear of Zayn’s cheek.  
“You’re still very pretty tonight,” Zayn smiled and Liam leaned up till their lips met. “Really though,” Zayn said when he leaned back, “The date was nothing to care about. Restaurant, a lot of cameras,” Zayn started to share and Liam felt bad again, because Zayn shouldn’t feel like he had any obligations to do so. He should be able to come home to his boyfriend and not have to think about it at all. “And Perrie’s a nice girl, and she’s totally aware of that nothing is real.”  
“That’s good,” Liam kissed Zayn again, he didn’t need to say more.  
“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” Zayn laughed a minute or so later when Liam couldn’t help a yawn slipping out against Zayn’s mouth.  
“Yeah,” Liam mumbled when Zayn helped him up from the couch. “I love you,” he yawned into Zayn’s chest, as he practically carried him to their bedroom.  
It was their bedroom. Whenever someone else where in their shared flat, this was called Zayn’s bedroom. But it was theirs.  
“Love you too,” Zayn whispered when they were tight pressed together, under the sheets.  
-  
Apparently one date was not enough. It was enough to some whispering speculations that was forgotten the next day. But that was far from enough.   
A first date on a fancy restaurant with millions of paparazzis, wouldn’t cover it. It looked too much like a set up (“which it was” Liam would argue) for anyone to believe it was anything serious. So there were more “dates”, but still not enough talking about Little Mix.  
“They wants us to kiss,” Zayn announced to Liam when he came home one night. “Uhm, they want photos of us kissing.” Zayn whispered and nervously bit his lip while waiting for Liam’s reaction.  
“No you can’t! I’m not going to let this happen! You’re mine! No one else can kiss you! I’m not going to let you get away from me!” Liam wanted to scream, but he knew he couldn’t. It wasn’t fair. And he wouldn’t be fair.  
He knew Zayn wanted this to end, just as much as Liam. It wasn’t Zayn’s fault. He knew that he didn’t had another choice. He patiently stared at Liam, when he didn’t say anything. His eyes were big and scared, like he was afraid of being accused of handling this wrong. Liam wouldn’t have that  
“Come here,” Liam said and held his arms out for Zayn to crawl up to his chest and Zayn sighed of relief.  
“You’re not upset?” Zayn asked and looked up at Liam with his big, wounded eyes.  
“Of course I’m upset,” Liam whispered and patted Zayn’s hair, “But I can’t be upset with you,” he hurried to say when disappointment fell over Zayn’s face. “This incredible boy, whom I love, gets forced to kiss this girl, against his own will. There’ll be pictures for me to see, almost as to tell me that ‘hah! He will never be yours’! Of course I’m upset, but never with you.” He leaned down and gently kissed the top of Zayn’s head.  
“I am always yours,” Zayn mumbled, and Liam could hear the tears prickling his voice.  
“I know baby. But will it ever be real?”  
“I don’t care what anyone else defines as real. We just have to make our own ‘real’. This Liam, you and I, this is real!” Zayn spoke hectically into Liam’s chest and grasped tightly into his shirt, like he was holding the line his life was depending on. “We’re real, Liam. No matter what anyone thinks a real relationship should be like, we, are, real.”  
“I’m so glad I found you,” Liam said, in lack of anything better to say. And it was true, nothing was truer than that Liam was glad he had found Zayn.  
“Yeah,” Zayn murmured, “Just wishes it had been in another life.” And well, that was more than true, too.  
“It’s not your fault.” Liam said after a moment of silence, just breathing each other in. “Nothing’s your fault Zayn, and I can never be upset at you, over any of this.”  
“Yeah, okay,” Zayn said, not sounding entirely convinced.  
“I mean it Zayn. You can’t prevent any of this; that you are being forced into. You don’t have more control over it than I have.” He buried his nose in Zayn’s hair for a moment, breathing in the smell of his peachy shampoo. “And I promise I won’t be jealous when I’ll see the pictures of you kissing her, or when I hear people talk about what a great couple you make,” he reassured him, “Just like you never were when all that with Danielle was going on.”  
“Erm… Yeah, I was jealous,” Zayn confessed, “Every day,” he leaned his head back and looked up at Liam with a little smile. “I just made sure to hide it from you. You already felt bad enough over it, as it was.”  
“I figured.” Liam laughed. “I’m still going to pretend, really hard. Keeping it in, so you won’t feel bad. Because it’s not your fault.” Liam promised him and leaned down for a quick peak on the lips.  
“You don’t have to though,” Zayn slowly said. “Pretend, I mean. I know how it feels. And I don’t want you to hold anything in, just because you’re worried it’ll make me unhappy. I won’t be happy anyways, if you’re not, you know?”  
“I just…” Liam sighed and took a deep breath, “I don’t know…”  
“You wish everything would be just a bit easier?” Zayn wondered and placed his chin on Liam’s chest, so he would have at look up at him, under his lashed.  
“Yeah… and…” he said as Zayn nodded in agreement. “Sometimes I worry we will never get or happy ending…” Liam swallowed.  
“Shush, baby,” Zayn crawled forwards to capture Liam’s lips in his. “Don’t say that,” he said with a broken voice, and kissed Liam again. “We’ll get there, I promise you,” he leaned down and closed his eyes, “One day,” he murmured against Liam’s lips. Not convincing enough to even believe it himself.  
-  
Once the photos of Zayn and Perrie kissing was spread all over internet and every magazine, there was only more to come.   
Now they just had to convince the audience that they were actually serious about their relationship. That it wasn’t just this little thing that had just happened to be captured on camera.   
Zayn was away more nights than not. One date there and one date here. And Liam was left alone in the quiet darkness of their empty flat. He was starting to be afraid of the dark.  
He spend more and more time at Louis and Harry’s place, just to get away from the silent void in his home.   
Louis and Harry stood in the doorway to their living room together, and watched Liam as he was curled on their couch, like a little child.   
“What are you doing here, Liam?” Harry moved forwards and sat down on the tiny spot left on the couch, next to Liam’s body. Louis was quick to follow. “Why aren’t you at home?” Harry asked with concern.   
“It’s too quiet when Zayn’s not home,” Liam mumbled without looking at any of them and curled himself tighter into his body. He didn’t see Harry and Louis, but he didn’t need to look at them to see the looks they shared.  
“Man, you’ve been laying on our couch for days, wouldn’t it be better to get home?” Louis said.  
“Yeah, isn’t it nice to have the place for yourself?” Harry tried to be encouraging.   
“If I would want the place for myself, I would have get my own flat,” Liam rolled his eyes.  
“I know, that’s why we don’t live with Niall,” Louis said under a laughing breath, but Liam got the hint.  
“Sorry,” he blushed and moved to get up from the couch, “I’ll leave…”  
“No, stay,” Harry stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, sounding guilty.  
“It’s just…” Louis started, “Don’t you think it would be good to learn to live without Zayn –“  
“Why would I ever need to learn that?” Liam snapped. “I will never live without him, so can you just shut up!” he wanted to add.  
“I’m just saying...” Louis blushed, “You can’t live like that forever.”  
“You don’t understand! Zayn and I are nothing but forever!” he wanted to scream it in their faces, make everything they thought they knew about them disappear. But of course they didn’t understand. Maybe they would though, better than anyone… If they knew…  
“Yeah, maybe Zayn and Perrie actually ends up hitting of, they’d be a cute couple,” Harry shrugged with a smile. Liam wanted to punch him in the face. “You should find someone too!” Harry smiled enthusiastically towards Louis, at his apparently brilliant idea. “I bet we can find someone even better then Danielle!”  
And why was this still a topic? Why were they still talking about this? “I’M GAY! I’M IN LOVE WITH ZAYN AND NEITHER OF US WANTS ANYONE ELSE,” The words was so close to slipping of his tongue, but he kept his mouth shut. “I’ll just get home now,” he said instead, and got off the couch.  
“You don’t have too,” Louis said, “It’s late.”  
“No, you’re right, I should get home.” Liam walked towards the door. “Maybe Zayn’s coming home tonight,” he mumbled before he left them, trying hard at the smile he gave them but he knew it wasn’t even half real.  
Zayn didn’t come home until the next night. Liam pretended to already be asleep, when he slipped into their bed, smelling like her perfume.   
-  
Everyone had been expecting it, when the day came. It still didn’t make it any easier.  
“I think it’s officially time for you to move out from Liam, Zayn,” the still nameless woman with eyebrows painted too high, informed when the whole band was gathered for the same weekly meeting.  
“That’s ridiculous!” Zayn said with his hands in the air.  
“It’s really not,” the woman said, and again talked to Zayn like he was a four year old child. “You and Perrie are so in love, it would be silly of you, not to move in together.” Niall, Louis, Harry and Liam rolled their eyes.  
“So it’s better for me to live with my fake girlfriend, then with my… my best friend?” Zayn asked, and everyone in the room knew it was best to watch every step, for Zayn not to punch something.  
“Definitely,” the woman gave him a big fake smile and showed of every one of her too white teeth.  
“I thought this was just going to last for a short time, for your promo shit?” Zayn crossed his arms around his chest.  
“That was the plan, yes,” fake smile growing bigger, “but everything went so well, that we decided to let you two get to the next level. Everyone adores you.”  
“What if I don’t want to live with her?” Zayn stared at her, without blinking. Liam would call it staring into her soul, Zayn would say he was ridiculous.  
“Well, that really isn’t my problem, is it dear?” it was a wonder that the corner of her mouth hadn’t already burst from how tight it was pulling. “What you do in your free time, I don’t want to know about. As long as you officially live with Perrie, everything is fine, right baby?” She added a wink and everything was so wrong.  
Zayn didn’t say another word after that. He stayed quiet for the remaining two hours, not looking away from the hands in his lap. Liam knew he fought the urge to let the tears slip.  
-  
“You could have tried harder,” Liam said when they were back in their flat, and he regret it as soon as he had heard the words. It wouldn’t have been to any use.  
“What good would we get from that, Liam?” He glared at him.  
“I know… I’m sorry,” Liam closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s just… It just sucks, ok?”  
“Yeah, it sucks,” Zayn sighed. “I’ll just get a fucking shared flat with Perrie and comes back here to fuck you on the weekends.” He said sarcastically. It wasn’t funny.  
-  
Every night was colder than the one before. For every breathe Liam took, he felt more lonely than ever before.  
Nothing seemed to get brighter, everything moved around him in slow dots of darkness.   
It was spring and nothing felt like it should. It should be getting warmer and everything should be shining. But all Liam saw was glooming black and everything he felt was cold. He knew his sun was slipping away.  
He would here Zayn’s mother talk about how Zayn finally had taken Perrie home, for his family to meet. And that’s just great. Everything was so damn great. Just great.  
And it is days like these that he doesn’t even know how to take anything anymore. He knows Perrie is far of in the country, touring, and he knows Zayn is not.  
There shouldn’t be a reason for Zayn not to be here right now. He should be here, lying next to him in his bed. In their bed.  
Liam crawls under the too big and too cold duvet. Hides his face from everything around him. Everything is even darker under the thick fabrics, but it feels somehow a little freer. And suddenly he doesn’t care if he gets a bit warmer.  
He reaches his arm out to catch his phone on the night stand and he doesn’t even breath when he writes the text:  
Can’t you come over? Baby I miss you xxx  
And the thing is, it doesn’t even take ten minutes for Zayn to get there. Or maybe it was an hour or two, maybe even three, he didn’t count. But he likes to think that Zayn would come for him as fast as he could.  
He never got a text back. I never heard someone ring the door. But suddenly Zayn is there, crawling up, next to him in the bed. Of course, Zayn wouldn’t even need to ring the door, this is his place too. Even if it might have been too void lately, to been living by two.   
“Hi,” Zayn whispers, looking at Liam’s features, where they are lying together, under the now warm and welcoming duvet.  
“Hi,” Liam smiles back. He crawls closer, hiding under Zayn’s arm. “I’ve missed you,” he whisperers. But it’s okay now. Everything will be fine.  
“Yeah,” Zayn just says, while soothingly patting Liam’s back.  
They stay like that for a time. It’s quiet but it is finally warm, two bodies wholly wrapped under the duvet. Liam needs to hear it. It’s been too long.  
“I love you,” he says when the silence had been going on for too long.  
Zayn doesn’t answer. He just holds his arm around him, even tighter.  
Liam slowly gets up. He places his elbow on the other side of Zayn’s chest and looks down at the boy under him. He loves him, he mean it when he says forever.  
He leans down and kissing Zayn, and Zayn lets him. They move their lips together for a while, and it is nice, it’s everything the way it’s supposed to be. Liam sighs and he parts his lips, darts his tongue out, expecting to meet Zayn’s. That’s when Zayn pulls back.  
And that is not the way it is supposed to be.  
“It’s too warm under here,” Zayn mumbles and pulls the duvet off from their heads. That’s fair, it was warm under there.  
Liam leans forward again, placing his lips on Zayn’s mouth. He doesn’t get a reaction from Zayn.  
“Liam,” Zayn whispers and places one hand on Liam’s shoulder, to pull him away, when Liam wont’ stop his desperate movements to get Zayn’s lips to move.  
Liam tries to smile at him, trying to convince himself that everything is alright.  
“We shouldn’t be doing this anymore,” Zayn says then.  
And everything stops. He knew this would be coming. But he had forced himself not to be scared, believing that they were infinitive. He had promised himself everything would work out, everything would be alright, one day. Zayn had promised him everything would be okay one day. One day.   
This was not happening.  
“No,” Liam mumbles and he can feel his eyes filling but he doesn’t try to stop it. “Don’t do this,” he chokes and tears falls like rivers, wetting his cheeks.   
“Please don’t make this harder than it already is,” Zayn murmurs and reaches out to dry the tears of Liam’s cheek. Liam flinches and his own eyes starts so fill  
“I love you,” Liam squeaks. “Don’t do this! You promised me forever!”  
“We both know we would never get our forever. I can’t do this anymore,” Zayn looks down at his own finger.  
“Why is that Zayn?” Liam is hysteric now and he need more than ever for someone to hold him. “We could fight! We can win and we can have our happy ending, if we stick together! We can do it Zayn, one day! You said it yourself, so why give up now?!”  
“Because…” Zayn looks up and looks Liam right in his eyes. His big brown eyes are filled with tears and he takes on deep breathe. “Because when I’m with you… It feels like I’m cheating on her.”  
-  
It was a late November night when he had had enough, when he just couldn’t take anymore. It wasn’t even dark or didn’t even rain at all, as you might have expect it would. Actually the sun had been shining all day, for the first time after a stormy couple of weeks.   
And maybe that was just what he needed, knowing that he would have seen the sun one last time. Maybe this was just the perfect time to disappear from this world. Leaving with one last remembrance of the sun glowing everything up into beautiful gold as the last autumn leaves would fall.   
It was one of this days when red, orange and yellow would come together to just be beautiful. One of these days when everyone would smile as they took a walk in the park with someone loved and listen to the leaves falling apart under their steps on the ground.  
Everyone except from Liam.  
Liam did not smiled anymore. He could lift his lips into a false smirk for the cameras; that was his job. But he would never smile.   
He couldn’t remember how it was to be happy. How was he once the boy who woke up every morning with a smile in his whole body? The boy that happily left his bed every morning, just to see what the next day would give him, how was that once him? That boy wasn’t real.  
Liam didn’t want a next day.  
He didn’t want to wake up tomorrow. He didn’t ever want to wake up again.   
He sat in his window watching a smiling couple walking past down the road, yellow leaves flying round their feet. He remembers that autumn many years ago when he thought everything was perfect. He and Zayn had been walking just like these two. Everything had been perfect. The sun had blended his eyes, or maybe it had been Zayn. Zayn had been his sun. Yellow leaves had been flying around their feet and Liam had been longing so bad to reach out his hand and tangle his fingers together with Zayn’s. He had been sure Zayn wanted the same thing. He loved Zayn and he had been so sure he had felt the same for him.  
It had all been a lie.   
No one had ever loved Liam.  
His sun had been taken away, there was nothing worthy anymore. If not even his own sun could love him, or stick to his promises, who could ever?  
Zayn. The boy he had opened up. Giving everything. Trusting so deep to let himself love him. The first boy that had made him feel loved. The first boy he had loved. And also the last.   
And no one would ever know that.   
It wasn’t worth anything. It wasn’t important. It wasn’t real.  
Liam wasn’t important. Liam wasn’t worth a fucking thing. He knew that was true.   
So that was the day when he took his last stroll in the park. It was definitely the sun blending him this time, and not Zayn; the sun. Because Zayn wasn’t there anymore. The leaves around his feet was brown and almost all rotten away. He didn’t even try to smile. He couldn’t remember how. He didn’t even expect there to be any paparazzi’s as he slowly walked with his head down and hands deep down in his pockets. Why would there be? He was just Liam Payne. No one.  
When he got back to his flat he sat down and he wrote. He wrote to Zayn. Telling him how his whole life had depended on him and how he had saved him. How he had helped him to be able to trust and feel loved. He didn’t tell him that he also made it impossible for him to ever trust anyone again, he could never tell Zayn that. He wrote him that he loved him and that he always would. Forever.  
And with that he knot his snare. Wrapped it around his neck. Liam took one last breathe before he lifted his feet and let the chair, underneath his feet, fall.  
His letter was placed on his pillow, he had known no one would ever found it. No one would ever come looking. No one would ever know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me, ok?


End file.
